Out For My Heart

My piece “Out For My Heart”, is a 14x17 inch piece made from charcoal and pastels on heavy-weight paper. This piece is a portrait of a couple, a dark-skinned male and a light-skinned female. The man in this piece is wearing an untied black durag that extends out in front of him. He is also wearing a black and red jersey with a hint of white. His skin complexion has a heavy red undertone but within the shadows it’s completely devoid of color. In the center of his chest, there is a giant tear in his jersey as well as an open wound that reveals his heart. The man in the piece has suffered a serious injury to his heart as his skin and muscle tissue have been cut open and his heart has been struck with multiple nails. Blood is gushing from this wound but the man has a stoic facial expression as if he hasn’t noticed at all. On his left is the Light-skinned woman who is wearing a white top with a blue lace in the center of it and a blue denim skirt to match with her blue purse. Her skin has a yellow undertone and has dark brown curly hair as a deep contrast. She is slightly bent over with her hands on her knees to gaze upon the open chest wound that the man has suffered. She has a slight smirk while looking at his heart as if she is amused by what she sees. She finds joy and entertainment in the fact that the man is suffering. Stuffed into her purse, right under her arm, is a small hammer; which indicates that she was the one who struct nails into the man’s heart. The characters in this piece are surrounded by a black and dark brown background as it makes them pop as the center of attention.

I made this piece to represent the turmoil I have felt while dealing with a broken heart and it has made my trust issues with women very evident. I wanted to get my feelings off of my chest by making a piece that shows the lack of empathy and compassion that a woman has for a man who is suffering due to their actions. My heart has been toyed around with, like a cat and a ball of yarn. Throughout my life I have been in relationships where I am promised unconditional love and commitment but have been met with actions that says the complete opposite. I have been told by a woman that I was the man she wants to marry and grow old with; to build a family as well as generational wealth for our children. She told me that I was her soulmate and I believed everything she said. Her words were the foundation in which I started building my life on. However, as soon as she spoke those words she left and never spoke to me again. Years later, another woman whom I loved told me that I was going to be her husband and that she was going to give me the best years of my life. Those were words that felt so true in the moment and made me feel loved and wanted but the next day I was met with words that has flooded my mind and drowned that feeling of love. She said, “I don’t think imma ever get married. I know the way you love and what love means to you but I don’t think I can give that to you.” It’s strange to me, because I just love unconditionally and expect nothing in return, just her time… and that’s something that couldn’t be given to me? These women that I’m referring to are beautiful and amazing individuals who are kind at heart and have good intentions to everyone around, so they are not at fault. They are not bad people for moving on with their lives. I just couldn’t understand how someone can say one thing and then immediately change their minds.

These experiences made me develop trust issues as I no longer know what to believe when someone shows me an ounce of affection. I have trouble believing others when they say they care about me. I don’t enjoy feeling as though someone is lying to me because who am I to say what their words aren’t true? I have isolated myself. I took a step back from all of my friendships and relationships and stopped putting in effort. I stopped texting first, initiating plans and just waited to see who would actually take the time to check up on me. I was left with a lot of loneliness as I haven’t heard from anyone who I talked to on the regular. This is completely okay. I just wanted to see what my place was in everyone’s life, I wanted the truth. I needed that time alone to heal anyway.

The nails that have been struck into the man’s heart represents the amount of times I’ve been heart broken, and blood gushing from the wound represents the love I had in me. I’m still at the point where I don’t want a relationship and I have long given up on my dreams of getting married, having kids, and building generational wealth. I believe for me to continue pursuing these things would be foolish. My perception of love and relationships differs from others as the concept of going from relationship to relationship, continuing to meet people until you find “the one” or just find someone to die with is flawed in my eyes. I don’t think it’s natural to have the same intimate experiences with so many different people. I don’t think it’s normal to have sex with multiple people, to talk about dreams of getting married and having kids when you had those same conversations with your last three exes. I don’t think any of this is meant to be repeated with multiple people and I have already done this more than I would have liked. Love is rare and sacred, I can’t sit up here and act like it’s just something I can fabricate or duplicate more than once. I’ve been in love multiple times and that is enough to last me a life time.

If you have the time, I would like for you to comment and tell me what you took from this piece? Is this something you can relate to? Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this?