Repairs on a Tormented Heart

“Repairs on a Tormented Heart” is a 14x17 inch piece made with charcoal, pastels, and color pencils on heavy-weight paper. This piece is an image of a beautiful mixed woman in a pink dress sitting on her bedroom floor in the dark. Her hair is put up in a pony tail with her curls flaring out of the hair-tie. Her eyes are without light as if she’s in deep thought or possibly numb to the point that she is expressionless. In the center of her chest, where her heart resides, is a door swung open; which leaves access to her heart. In front of her is a small operated crane that is typically used on fire trucks. On top of the crane has the letters, “ER” on it which stands for “Emergency Repairs”. Inside the operated crane is a miniature man who is attempting to enter the woman’s chest. This is a piece about a heart-broken woman being taken care of by this mysterious mini person; it is a visual representation of how I wish to take care of a woman that I admire, whom I know is suffering alone in silence.

I made this piece because I wanted to express that I would never leave her alone to suffer. With this piece, I wanted her to know that if she would just have faith in me and allowed me into her heart, then I would be able to heal and bring light to even the darkest parts within her. Everyone in the world is going through something that they refuse to talk about. We bottle up our emotions and refuse to show that we’re in pain while never asking for help. Why is that? Why do we not have faith in the people that we care about? In the people who claim to love us.. Why do I do the same thing? I never want to lean on others because I’m afraid of becoming a burden to them; but deep down I know they would never think of me as such. If only we knew how better off we would be if we just trusted each other a little more.

The woman in this piece, Kaylea, is someone who I have drawn numerous times. I am in love with her aesthetic. Her beauty is remarkable and makes me feel insecure as an artist. The first time I saw her I felt inspired to pick up a pencil in order to illustrate her beauty. She is the textbook definition of “picturesque” and I wish to incorporate her in more of my pieces. My urge to create something beautiful shall be fulfilled through her. It’s weird, but I sometimes think that she is most beautiful when she has something heavy on her heart. When she displays the feeling of numbness; gives off the look of having so much to say but never the words to express it, I think she is the most captivating in that moment. To me, it shows that she’s human, like she’s not putting on a façade. When I draw her, I draw her with this exact facial expression with an attempt to perfect this image of displaying heavy emotion with just a simple blank stare. You can see it in her eyes how tired she is and it is almost as if you can tell what she’s thinking. Although I adore this image, I wish she never looked like this ever again.

This piece reminds me how much I loathe feeling alone and feeling like I have to suffer alone. I’ve felt lonely for the majority of my life as I’ve believed that nobody wanted me around; I believed that in order for people appreciate my presence I would first have to accomplish something great. It is a truly a miserable feeling and I want to prevent others from experiencing the same kind of pain that I did. If possible I would tell my audience that they are deserving of love and that they are worthy of respect. These are things that I wish someone would have told me years ago.

This drawing carries great significance for me because this may be the last time I draw Kaylea… or at least the last time I make a piece about her. I wanted her to be my muse for years to come; however, out of respect for her, I think I should put an end to this study. I cannot possibly continue drawing her without mixing my romantic feelings for her, and she has moved on. I adore her aesthetic so much that I may incorporate her in future pieces but at the moment I don’t feel right about it. I’m proud of myself for being able to illustrate such a beautiful person. This piece captures her glowing skin complexion, the shape of her eyes, the softness of her lips, and the emotional weight that comes with her expression. I’ve studied her aesthetic extensively, but I fear that my research is still incomplete. Funny thing is, it may never be complete as she will always continue growing as well as changing and thus so will my studies. I would have infinite sketchbooks filled with drawings and paintings of her if I were to keep going. to be honest, I would actually love that and I’m sure she would be flattered.